Checking The Map
This is “Rita’s Story,” an excerpt from the book, The Heroic Path to Self-Forgiveness: Change Your Story, Change Your Life. by Marion Moss Hubbard. Rita is a pseudonym used to protect the identity of the author.
After years of therapy, retreats, meditation, self-help books and workshops, as well as hours of talking with my best friend, I am now at a place where I feel those efforts have borne fruit. In midlife, I feel more secure about who I am. I realize that there are some parts of my personality that will always have a bit of a limp, and have forgiven myself for that.
For example, I am not an optimistic person. After years of beating myself up because I don’t have a “can do” attitude, I realize that my natural concern about the things that can possibly go wrong make me a great partner for people who forge ahead with less concern for consequences.
Now when I bump into one of my unhealed places I am more apt to stop and get curious about why I am reacting that way rather than simply acting out. It is somewhat easier to forgive myself for my negative reactions . Not always. Sometimes my husband has to remind me when I’m being harsh or stubborn. After a long series of distancing and hypercritical boyfriends, the man who became my second husband is a great partner. He is well aware of my warts, but instead of berating me, he gently teases me, we both laugh, I apologize, and we move on.
Now when I find myself in unfamiliar emotional territory (or unpleasantly familiar emotional territory), I take some time to do what I call “checking the map.” I write in my journal, talk with a close friend or my husband, or schedule a session with my therapist, as a way to remind myself of where I am in my journey. Sometimes when my work or my life gets really hectic, and I start to lose my sense of self, I try to take a couple of hours for a “wander” just to walk aimlessly and clear my head so I can focus on what I’m feeling and thinking. Instead of weeks in a dark funk, my emotional lows can be resolved fairly quickly, because now I have tools to help me re-center myself, including forgiving myself and others for being human. This is the reward of doing inner work: a deep sense of self, comfort in who I am and deep gratitude for the people and the process that brought me here.